Trauma vs. Badass Resilience
... or how humans survive.
It’s a great development that trauma is commonly acknowledged and spoken about now, because that helps us to do something about it, understand it, grieve, rage, cry, find strategies for reducing its shadow or pop-ups in our lives, and to keep moving forward. I’m all for that. But hey, we survived despite it all, some better than others, but we’re still here. Most of us get up every day, get dressed and step up. Lately, I’ve given more thought to how we survive. How people get through the horrors that befall them - and I’m talking about peace time, not yet the collective trauma of war, or even the secondary trauma of observing a war or genocide on a daily basis, such as we have in the last 15 months. We survive because we are resilient, incredibly so. Really, really, incredibly resilient. In the face of horrific adversity, we survive, because part of our in built gear is resilience, which comes down to us from our ancestors, with the trauma.
We have strength and forbearance. We have focused anger and resistance. Sometimes we are able to plan to cope with difficulties. Sometimes we are rescued which is enough for the short term. Sometimes we impose or rely on the strength of others. Sometimes we get enough adrenaline pumping to just push through, in the moment. Sometimes we meet someone, or read or experience something which restores us. We find joy in beauty, in art, in music, in dancing, swimming in the ocean, climbing mountains (not me, for that one) in nature, in work, in our social interactions. We find it in kindness, consideration, and compassion. It all counts. It all helps. Get the goodies!!
We can see that ultimately, we have to be social to survive. Because of that need, in a Darwinian sense, in a relational sense, connection is a necessary part of the fabric of human survival and resilience. Being sent to Coventry, exile, being cast out of one’s community or tribe and its environment is a harsh response to transgressions, regardless of the culture we live in. Once, to be cast out meant being the prey of wild animals or bandits or pirates or thieves or murderers, and other dangers. Now the wild animals are loneliness, isolation, and more likely, stressful and hostile urban environments. These are just as threatening to health and life.
Theresa May appointed a Minister of Loneliness. Loneliness is recognised as a killer. Newborns and infants die or only survive, because they cannot thrive if starved of close contact, if they are not held and cuddled. Food and warmth and basic necessities are not enough. We are tactile. A warm hug releases feel good hormones. We are social. We need each other. We need to be connected to our tribe, and increasingly in industrialised societies we are acknowledging that that encompasses our biological community, our family, narrow and wide. That does not work for everyone in their immediate living family system. But we can reach back. And we can reach out to our family of choice when the other is not an option.
‘Once, to be cast out meant being the prey of wild animals or bandits or pirates or thieves or murderers, and other dangers. Now the wild animals are loneliness, isolation, and more likely, stressful and hostile urban environments. These are just as threatening to health and life. ‘
With kinship, closeness to others, our resilience stacks up, like unused data on our phone plans. It’s a storehouse of goodness. We can dip in there when life is tough. There’s someone to call. Arms to hold us. Soothing words. A meal shared. And if we’re really lucky, some compassionate challenge when we need it. When we tap into past generations, our ancestors, when we acknowledge and honour them, we can call on their strength. We are not limited to living members of our family system. Looking there also helps us to regain perspective. Our problems shrivel from cosmic to human scale. We can truly feel our little solid place in our tributary of the river of life.
So, belonging, knowing who we are, where we’re from, where we can relax and be ourselves in all senses is a critical factor in survival. To thrive we must have connection. Loneliness and isolation is not always inflicted by others. Often what should rightfully be our system and our support is woefully lacking, so that the situation occurs by attrition or we skedaddle because staying is too painful, so more like a work world constructive dismissal. Hard to fight, or just not worth the effort because the emotional toll is unthinkable, or we are already too broken by the conditions of our past to put up any kind of resistance, nor want to get back to where we were.
I’ve nursed the word resilience over the Christmas and New Year break, with only a smokey phrase or two around it. Yesterday, when I sat down to write, the haze coalesced into the paragraphs above. It’s not all the thoughts I have about the concept, but surprisingly those words fell onto the page.
Therapy is an ally and tool at the service of resilience, that we can pick up at any time, the usual caveats about economic circumstances applied. We can pick it up at any time and use it to strengthen and add to the innate resilience we possess. The invitation is to explore and deepen our understanding, our clarity and compassion.
Family Constellation therapy is a way to understand our trauma in a fully embodied way, beyond language, without intellectual involvement in the process. The processing and integration that occurs later is also without intellectual effort; no journaling, no discussion, no analysis. Discovery or emergence happens. That arising, and level of understanding enables you to feel more compassion for yourself and others, especially your parents, and probably your grandparents, and beyond them.
‘Our problems shrivel from cosmic to human scale. We can truly feel our little solid place in our tributary of the river of life.’
Constellation therapy deals with our issues, patterns, and intergenerational trauma and we get to uncover lashings of resilience. If we wish to stay fresh, evolve, develop, we should expect to keep examining, being vulnerable to experiences that will deepen our understanding of respect and compassion for ourselves and others. Notice that forgiving others is not part of the process. Sometimes there can be no forgiving, only acceptance of what was and is, and a shifting of shame and blame a la Giselle Pelicot to where it belongs. Forgiveness carries the meaning of one person being superior to the other and therefore able to confer forgiveness. Don’t go there. I understand, I know why they did that, I am sorry about their circumstances, and I hand back the shame and abuse and neglect, or betrayal, or other transgression to the perpetrator, is as much as can be effected to get yourself back, or move yourself forward from where you were stuck.
Plumb your trauma, dig into your resilience. Reach a peaceful place and be willing to do more therapy. It’s a life long trip as long as you’re alive!
Copyright Karen Sole
manawa family constellations - heart breath emotion
www.manawafamilyconstellations.com
NEXT globally accessible constellation workshop 16 March 2025. Limited places. See website for details. One to one online appointments available. Global reach. English language. Karen Sole is a member of the International Institute for Complementary Therapists, and of the International Systemic Constellations Association (isca-network.org), and a member of ANZCI, the Aotearoa New Zealand Constellation Incorporated. She took her first training from Yildiz Sethi yildizsethi.com of familyconstellations.com.au . Karen's profile can be found on the above organisational sites. She participates in regular professional supervision, facilitator member constellations of ANZCI, ISCA, and informal international groups of experienced credentialed facilitators.