Doing Is Believing: The Skinny On Getting Constellated

Why do it, and what difference will it make to my life?

Full disclosure: I’m a Systemic/Family Constellations Facilitator so I’m definitely biased in favour of it as a way to get to the root source of your unhelpful patterns - yes, even you, you wonderful accomplished person. You can do this by examining your family system without using your intellect, many words, analysis, making a list of pros and cons, or other structured tactics. Your trauma is stored very carefully in your body so that you have something useful to do for yourself later in your life. Seriously. Your aches and pains, illnesses, disquiet, fastidiousnesses, succession of ‘bad’ relationships, problems in your family of origin and with your own children and or partner, blended family; issues at work, or with money, sex, habitual lateness/jumpiness/lack of motivation (for example) and all the rest come from your early years, and the experiences you had, way back then with your parents or caregivers. And news flash, possibly further generations ago. All resting with you, in you, while you remain unaware of it, most probably, unless you have done some digging around.

Equally, your strengths, your delight, achievements, tenacity, patience, calm, and other demonstrations of resilience have come down to you from your parents and beyond your grandparents in an endless stream of tumultuous life.

Photo by Rosie Sun on Unsplash

These days, I’m more likely to be ‘triggered’ to pleasant, benign imprints, shadows or glowing spots within me. As I have become more accustomed to noticing that type of (re)awakening, I have come to think of it as being touched by the external stimulus, rather than triggered, though the impetus for each is, in many cases at least, external. I wrote about one such benign touch and response in an earlier piece, Karma Is Not A Spiritual Commodity, referencing being with my maternal grandfather as a child, in his gladioli and daffodil shed arrayed with small drawers containing the multitude of varieties of flower bulbs, and linking that experience to my love of furniture with small drawers, trays and bowls. I think of those items as containers for love. The ‘touch’ in that case was a more than tangential reference to a piece of furniture with many drawers in a story Nanette was telling me. It whooshed in, an avalanche. Tears jumped out involuntarily.

Perhaps we are able to receive those gifts when we have dealt to some extent to our trauma, or when we have by any means achieved a quieter state that lets the subtle touches be felt. I don’t know the answer to that question, as I am a sample of one, in a particular stage of life.

It could be that at certain stages of life, talk therapy is ideal, or gestalt, or CBT, or other therapy - there are so many - and at other times Family Constellations is likely to be the most helpful, even if not the last approach a person reaches for.

So what kind of intentions can you bring to a workshop? The answer is almost anything that a person over 21 years age and in the normal range of well adults may want to ‘work on’. Here are just a few:

• Being cut off from someone important to you

• Feeling uncomfortable around a particular family member

• The room goes quiet when a certain member of your extended family/whanau whanui is mentioned

• You wonder what happened to a grandparent or great grandparent

• You are feeling shame or guilt

• You were adopted or fostered

• You are in an unnamed power struggle with a sibling

• Your parents wanted you to parent them

• You are hurt by the apparent exclusion of a family member

• You repeatedly get into relationships wth the 'wrong' person

• There are shadows of sexual or other violence over your family

• You feel concerned about children and young people in your (wider) family

• You, or your family are affected by death, suicide or loss

• You are bothered by issues around partners, lovers, parents and children

• You are or are in the process of getting divorced or separated

• You are cut off from an adult child, and therefore, grandchildren

• You have moved to another country, by choice or as a refugee

• You have had an abortion or miscarriage

If any of that resonates with you, don’t spend more time wondering what to do. GetConstellated! Now, you wonder, what you will notice following your constellation. Here are some distinct and often reported effects:

• You've got more energy

• You let go of old ways that held you back

• You accept the way some things have turned out in your life

• You notice more softness and flow in all your relationships

• You are aware of unconscious behaviours, and the way they impact you and your life

• You feel that you can be the person you want to be

• You radiate the transformation in every part of your life

During Covid, Systemic Constellation practitioners discovered that virtual Constellations work well. What a revelation! While participants are not spatially related in an online constellation as they would be in a room together, there are processes that allow the person with an intention to symbolically set up the members of their system before choosing representatives, and then come back to order the symbolic constellation correctly at the conclusion. I invite you to dive into the safe container that is a Constellation workshop.

For more information about constellations see previous substack pieces, and blogs on my website. You will find more about me there, and while it is not about me, it kind of is, in that you need to know who you will be entrusting to guide the process. I am always willing to answer your questions in the chat or by email, and to find a suitable time for an individual session.

Thank you readers, free and paid subscribers. You’re a small miracle.

Karen Sole

manawa family constellations - heart breath emotion

www.manawafamilyconstellations.com

NEXT globally accessible workshop, Sunday 16 March 2025. See website, leave a message in chat. or email to register your interest. Booking and payment opens as soon as enough people register their interest.

Karen Sole is a member of the International Institute for Complementary Therapists, and of the International Systemic Constellations Association (isca-network.org), and a member of ANZCI, the Aotearoa New Zealand Constellation Incorporated. She took her first training from Yildiz Sethi yildizsethi.com of familyconstellations.com.au . Karen's profile can be found on the above organisational sites. She participates in regular professional supervision, facilitator member constellations of ANZCI, ISCA, and informal international groups of experienced credentialed facilitators.